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DARK AGES – d seQuel

June 21, 2011


Okay, before you say it or entertain thoughts about it, this is not, I repeat it’s not another so-called epic nollywood movie starring Chioma Chukwuka and you know who, with three parts lasting 4ever. This is an inspired monologue; a sequel, of things past, present and to be.

Now I believe we all must have heard a thing or two about the dark ages, but for the sake of the unenlightened few (still changing fb profile picture) who went to book but know school (*clears throat* Yes? I know what I wrote. No gbagaun here, move along); Let’s take a few moments to revise the basics.

Historically, the dark ages is a period in Western Europe between the fall of The Roman Empire and blah blah blah…, where there was a loss in the art of reading and writing, no technological development, with cultural and economic deterioration. This description sounds familiar right? Yeah! It depicts d Nigerian society today.

Wait up! –Hold on player-, before you self-proclaimed nationalist start screaming and commenting on how erroneous this notion is, Let’s take a moment to look at the label “dark ages” which connotes a period of darkness. Ever heard of NEPA cum PHCN? Huh?? You get where I’m driving at?

Please flag-waver, a question:  How many Nigerians do you know who haven’t chanted those exasperating syllables “NEPA!” for once in his/her lifetime (Sorry, meant 4 more than a million times in his/her lifetime)? Even children given birth to 5 years after the name change (Name changes but Darkness remains), still know that name; that chAnt.

The importer, exporter and general manufacturer of I-beta-pass-my-neighbor (which has become a very bOOming business) has found himself rolling in money as only a privileged few (“Us”  for example) can afford Mikano plant. The price of candle has skyrocketed to N50 (The junk my mind gathers. How did I come by this information sef? *shrugs with silver spoon in hand*).

Naijarians considers it d blessing and favour of God, and fight the urge to run to church and testify of the goodness of NEPA wheneva they get uninterrupted power (LIGHT) supply for three days.

My personal favorite is the losing battle fought by CONDOMS against SPARE BATTERIES for dominance in tweeps’ wallets. Though, the most annoying, aggravating and infuriating (add any phrase showing anger you know) issue of this dark ages is the problem of pressing clothes. I mean how am I supposed to iron this sleeve which I wanna wear to shyke this chick tonight? –Mehn, I hATE NEPA!!

Should I talk about the decline in writing and reading skills next? No. I berra save the best for the end.

JEHOVAH OUR GOD IS VERY MERCIFUL. That’s the only logical explanation for eMpTyheN –MTN- still being in existence, I mean after those curses (which should be enuff to overflow the River Niger) they receive daily. But come oh, How do they explain why a Nokia 2700 can browse faster than a STORM on EDGE? They should simply have invented a name –LANDLINE- for their internet speed.

Should I also mention the stunted growth in Nigeria banking? I mean haven’t they heard of PayPal? Why it is that none of them wants to follow the technological advancement of the outside world and enable funding of PayPal in 9ja? What on earth are we still expected to do with d 2000late Visacard?

INEC and JAMB are not left out oh! With their 19hrs accreditation, certification, validation and verification of eligibility (*thinking aloud* was any other fancy word still used) process. I mean JAMB conducted the actual examination for less than an hour but carried out verification for more than 5hrs.

INEC nkor? Their own na worst pass. *reminiscizing the unending hours I spent in line for accreditation* and to think of d fact that our neighbours are adopting electronic voting which lasts for less than a minute.  Aww! *grabs handkerchief, -there’s dirt in my eyes-*.

*scans list for next item*                                                                                        

Moving on to economic and cultural deterioration, *clears throat* which is a controversial subject as it involves money, morality, modesty, increasing promiscuousness and (my parent’s favorite which they call -donning of loose fitting clothes-) the fashion sense of present day Naija males –low riding and tight fitting jeans (we boys are conservative in our dressing nau)- and  females -tube top, g-strings, bum shorts, brazilian etc-.

 Being a diplomat I’m gonna stay out of troubled waters (I can see that the ghels are already boiling, some bois sef don dey pout). Feel free to fill in the missing spaces on this topic …………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………..…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………… .

*crack neck, knuckes and ankles*

Finally, I know you’ve been very busy and have stayed away from for some time, but pls let’s just perform a simple experiment: Log-on to your abandoned fb account, confirm one of the scores of friend request you’ve accumulated since you left and check out the profile of the peep whose request you confirmed. I’m sure you are gonna see updates and comments like the one found in the excerpt below:

Still ROFLMAOing? It’s something abi?

#Statistics: Did you know that 70% of Nigeria’s internet savvy youth are actively using facebook (it was discovered after a population survey conducted by LeonMacedon International Poll Organization, LIPO). These 70% constitute the ones writing such grammatical abominations.

 Let’s perform another experiment: Send the link of this post to your newly added friend and ask him/her what he/she thinks after reading it. The reply you get will be as these examples “too long”, “I couldn’t finish it” (these are d honest ones talking sha, most will reply with mono-syllabes like “lovely”, “nice”, “sweet”  -as if he/she could read further than the first paragraph-).

 Imagine, trying to explain grammatical concord to these surprisingly literate peeps, they gonna mistake it for that “Antique Mercedes Benz Concord” my Grandpops used to drive around town. You see Naija’s future leaders -These are the future leaders, pastors, teachers, waiters and 419’s of tomorrow.-

 I’ve gotta end this monologue now (laptop battery is at 12% #DarkAges). But I’m gonna leave this picture before I do.


The boy shyking a girl in the excerpt above is assigned to teach English Language to your daughter





* Backgroud Music (Styl-Plus -Imagine that) starts playing*



6 Comments leave one →
  1. June 22, 2011 7:38 pm

    “The junk my mind gathers. How did I come by this information sef? *shrugs with silver spoon in hand*” 😐

  2. June 22, 2011 7:55 pm

    I was here…I’ll check in more often.. 🙂

  3. lucklinks permalink
    June 23, 2011 5:13 am

    nice 1 broda. U described dem wella. Hope 2 read more of ya post #cheers.

  4. Nshina permalink
    August 30, 2011 8:41 pm

    Thumbs entertaining read!!

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