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If I was a girl…

September 6, 2011

If I was a girl….
First I must be present when God is sharing beauty and brains. Wowo girls, sorry to y’all, but u guys are not fun. Una be like left over. Dull bimbos, worse!!
Razz or Posh? I wouldn’t mind any but I must be street-smart and I should, up to an extent, be able to fit into either environment. No, I don’t want to know how to rack nor do I want to be a posh sissy; Just a little of both worlds. Well if I had to choose, well, I love posh spice so I guess that settles it.

Oh, any posh accent I acquire must be the real deal and not one I got from watching Sesame Street or from spending a rare weekend in Brighton. Oh, I would never buy one from Nnewi airport. Shame on you girls who do that!

Boys? *sips la casera* now it gets interesting. My idea of Mr right is a dependable, financially stable (richer than Adenuga), really handsome (don’t try and fall short of the Idris Elba mark I set if u want me), honorable, dependable man with integrity. One who’s considerate, caring, lovi…… ahn ahn wetin sef?! Why do girls do that? List qualities that no one man could possibly have with that sharp mouth of theirs. Even if Mr. fucking-perfect existed, why would he want miss-far-from-perfect? Yeah! Yeah! destiny and whatnot. Me I am not like that oh. Im very reasonable oh. I would want a man who is caring and dependable and trustworthy and honorable. Eish, I counted. My personal qualities I want from a man iz just four whilst miss-far-from-perfect’s own is like 9. See? I’m reasonable. Oh, he should be able to upgrade my car once a year. And it wouldn’t hurt if he didn’t look like a hybrid of a gorilla and a monkey. A little good looks. That’s fair right?

Girls? Well I will keep a few girlfrnds. The fewer the better abeg. Aside from the often pointless gossip girlie cliques entertain, the saying ‘na who know man, na dey kill man’ manifests itself more in these girlie cliques. It will just be me and my BFF, plus a few girlfriends. Even my BFF won’t know EVERYTHING about me as some girls are wont to do. Lai lai.! Oh, becoming a lesbian is possible. After all I know the hidden pleasures in a woman’s body and with the trend of boys not being good lovers cos all they do is take take, it’s not entirely impossible. But I shall try not to give in to temptation. After all, I’m not as weak as Helen (Ellen).

Relationship and Dating…. Ahhhh. This one na ‘heavy duty’. Dating and relationship are 2 different things (atleast to me) so you boy (or girl, u never know) don’t be expecting what u wouldn’t get after 3 months in a relationship with me on our first date, Or second, Or third sef. That’s not to say I will not give u small ‘periodical’ rewards as we progress from dating to relationship. And PLEASE don’t spout any of that ‘love at first sight bullshit’. Never!
The 1st date; although I leaned in on you cos I really enjoyed myself, don’t go starting something unless I initiate the move myself. And by initiate I don’t mean the hot stare I give your lips or the intense way I gaze into your eyes. I mean myself smacking my delectable lips on yours. Then you’ve got the go-ahead . else, a peck should suffice….
2nd date… a kiss. No tongue…..
3rd date… a british kiss (abi what u people call it), French kiss and no more. Don’t be grabbing at my boobs like a lifeline no matter how heavy they feel against your chest. Unless I place ur hands on them, that is
4th date…expect a call-up. U’ll get it. Heavy kissing and petting. No getting to home plate/third base though… Don’t worry, I always have a carton of Vaseline handy. I’ll give you one tube on your way out. U can take kia of things at home. Or in ur car sef…. Im kind like that 😀
5th, 6th, 9th, 11th will be the same story as the 4th but don’t despair cos if we last 3 months then know we’ve moved to the next level. No, not that! Is that all u people think of sef? SMH. I mean, I now see u as husband material (I’m a girl who knows what she wants). Now it’s time for ‘discovery’
Discovery is usually 3-4months.

If you cheat that is if I catch you cheating and my heart’s involved already, you’ll lose something. Your range or your X6 will be totaled. If my heart no involve I go play game on you. What? I caused this? If you can’t stay celibate 4 this period, how am I sure you’ll stay celibate for d 5 months junior’s showing in my tummy, cos I won’t tolerate that ‘sideway doggie’ nonsense. Your pole of a dick won’t affect the shape of my child’s features. Lai lai!

If you didn’t cheat, and my heart’s involved I’ll make you fall in love with me, that is if you havrn’t already. If you don’t? I’ll let you go or try to…………..

Marriage? Be prepared for the wildest ride of your life d minute you put that ring on it! Shey you saw how Beyonce shook it in that single ladies video? That’s a preview of things to come. What, from someone this inexperienced? Hey! I didn’t tell you I was a greenhorn!
Also, if I successfully fooled you and hid some of my less admirable traits, eiya..pele. There will be plenty time for ‘discovery’. Its only for life…… 😀

THE END…………………………

Im not saying girls shud behave like that oh, at least not when it comes to the sex part. But if I were a girl…..
*sigh* this is what Beyonce’s “if I were a boy” caused oh!

6 Comments leave one →
  1. September 6, 2011 2:43 pm

    lmao! I guess u already know what u’re in for. don’t ask me cos if u do, who will i ask? maybe ur gf. haahaahaaa! *evil grin*

  2. topeliciouz permalink
    September 7, 2011 12:07 am


  3. Martha permalink
    September 7, 2011 12:11 am

    Lovely post. It’s good to se that some dudes can see life through our eyes

  4. xVoltron permalink
    September 7, 2011 12:14 am

    Damn!!!!! U’ve sold out. Intending to hoard it for that long

  5. Somi permalink
    September 7, 2011 12:16 am

    Funny. Happy I read it to the end 🙂

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